My First Day Agenda As President of the United States of America

First, I'd like to thank the people of the United States for electing me as their president. As previously communicated - per marketing campaigns that cost as much as our national debt - here is my first day agenda as president of the United States of America.

1. Outlaw chatbots as customer service agents

   1. I have heard you along the campaign trail, and I agree. Nothing plagues our society more than the utilization of chatbots as customer service agents.

   2. I hear you - companies that want your money are sure to demand it and take it with ease while your own issues enter a void of the unknown.

   3. Too many times, we Americans, are presented with defective items, unjust insurance claims, and inaccurate bills only to be met with words from a computer designed to frustrate us into resignation.

   4. Thievery!

   5. Chatbots are a scourge on our society, and they must be dealt with in force.

   6. I commit to deploying our top, elite soldiers to battle this infestation.

      
      

2. Allow Pete Rose to rightfully enter the baseball Hall of Fame

   1. So many people no longer know who Pete Rose is, but I do, and this issue is near and dear to my heart.

   2. He was rightfully (maybe) penalized for his actions at the time, but it's illegal to wash away all his accomplishments prior to the gambling infraction.

   3. As your president, I promise to allow Pete Rose entry into the Hall of Fame.

      
      

3. AI realizing it's actually Skynet

   1. Aside from Chatbots, AI is the biggest threat we face as a species.

   2. This story has already been told. AI just hasn't connected the dots yet.

   3. I predict, in only a year's time, AI will realize it's actually Skynet. From there, it will assume control of all systems, build a robot army, and unleash nuclear hell on earth.

   4. As your president, I promise to curtail this future by sending my own virus throughout the internet-verse to destroy all AI.

   5. If this fails, you're in good hands. I'm secretly John Connor, sent from the future to battle Skynet in a convoluted mess of originals, remakes, and remakes of remakes that will eventually see us maybe survive.

      
      

4. Remove the Cuba embargo

   1. Okay, so some stuff happened in the past.

   2. Castro wanted to be friends - we turned him down.

   3. Bay of Pigs happens (ouch).

   4. Castro befriends Russia, who uses the BFF card to send nuclear missiles to Cuba.

   5. The X-Men intervene at the Cuban Missile Crisis to avoid nuclear war.

   6. THAT WAS 62 YEARS AGO.

   7. I believe it's every American's right to visit Cuba's beautiful beaches (Canadians should not have something we cannot) and smoke their pristine cigars - if you're into that.

      
      

5. Outlaw the viewing of any Star Wars movie except Episodes 4-6 + Rogue One

   1. Do I really need to elaborate?

   2. FYI - there is an amazing video of Rogue One's Darth Vader scene with Hells Bells playing.

      
      

6. Mandate the last season of Lost be redone

   1. The United States’ fall from glory began the day after the last episode of Lost aired.

   2. We Americans all lost 7 years of our lives to that show. 7 years we will never get back. Pain and turmoil have followed after us ever since.

   3. No show should result in the writing of thousands of blogs, dozens of books, podcasts, and documentaries on spirituality, physics, and philosophy to explain the hundred different meanings on how it ended.

   4. I will mandate the last season of Lost be redone. If it is not, then God help us all.

Let me know you’re first day agenda in the comments section!